Tomorrow's Headlines 9/2/26

 Goofy dead at 94. Disney declares day of mourning.

The funeral will be held on Sept 11 and will definitely be most memorable thing on that day. Goofy's passing will be a canon event in all future Disney media. Disney to hold a yearly day of mourning for Goofy's passing. AI generated art appears on Disney's X account of Mickey Mouse weeping at Goofy's graveside.

Dinosaurs would have voted Republican. "Asteroid was deserved," says experts.

Paleontological evidence suggests dinosaurs would have been major MAGA supporters, according to a new study.

"Epstein's Island actually Epstein's Peninsula," says pedants.

Bucky declared one true gas station mascot.

Buc-ee's spokes person dressed in red and yellow vestments declares Bucky the one true gas station mascot. "All others are merely avatars and manifestations of the one true Beaver!" This act of legal syncretism thought to be an attempt to justify lawsuits against unrelated mascots in other fuel chains.

"The Golden Ticket to the Flock factory is in one of the camera poles," says enigmatic Flock factory owner.

Jazz was, Jazz is, Jazz will be once again.

The inevitable and cyclical death and rebirth of jazz was reported by local KC milk-bathing oracles.

Canada annexed by Argentina.

"We thought it would be funny," says Argentinian President Javier Milei atop a pile of polite skulls.