A Write-Up of Orcs! A High Octane Adventure by Mike Evans

I had the privilege of playing in a game run by the creator of Hubris, Mike Evans, at the DCC room at GenCon. Orcs! A High Octane Adventure is an adventure that Evans said he was working on publishing. I am happy to try and get the word out!

So I arrived at the DCC room with my girlfriend late. I hoped to hop into a game with some generic tickets. We got directed to a game already in progress and got handed characters.

This was our party:

Rothpar the Beaver-Faced: A Mutant with a beaver head and chameleon skin that could breathe fire once per day. (Played by yours truly)

Raviid the Thief (Played by my girlfriend)

Aquavarius the Pus Diviner

Ulrick Shadewalker: A Thief? (I think??)

Milly the Blood Witch

Druuj the Murder Machine

Gaston the Wizard

You might be discovering that Hubris produces some interesting characters. This was only the beginning of the weirdness.

So me, Raviid, and Gaston woke up after a drunken bender the night before. A large deformed man with a miniature cackling tumor-self on his shoulder hooked onto a flying flesh-squid reached in through a door, swiping at the Murder Machine within. His wickedly giggling tumor-self chucked a spear at Ulrick, scraping his shoulder.

It was then I became aware that someone's kneecap was dangling off the broken shards of a nearby window and that the world outside appeared to be in motion.

Gaston let loose a burning hands at the abomination. It screeched in pain, obviously particularly sensitive to flame. Aquavarius attempted to let loose a pistol shot, maniacally laughing as he pulled the trigger. With a click, he realized the flintlock pistol required time to reload (3 rounds).

I opened up my bucktoothed maw, releasing a torrent of scorching flames upon the hideous creature.
It fled, flying out the window to circle around the train.

Did I mention we were on a train?

In reality, details were slowly being revealed to me as a late-comer. I had assumed we were in a tavern of some kind, fighting off this creature. The detail that we were on a train came as something of a surprise. I had not even begun to unravel the strangeness that the world of Hubris had to offer.

The party had been hired to protect this train. Without specifics, the party assumed it was best to continue towards the engine car to make certain the train reached its destination, wherever that might be.

We came to a standard iron car rattling on the rails. Druuj opened the door, being the strongest and toughest and only biomechanical knight-cyborg I have ever known. Within were two mutant horrors, feasting on the remains of some men in skeletal armor, drug runners for the Black Queen, their tongues lolling out of their mouths which protruded grossly from the sides of their heads.

Gaston lept into action sliding between the mechanical soldier's legs, raising up his splayed fingers for a reverberating Sleep spell, dropping the two abominations immediately, allowing our Murder Machine to gleefully stomp their deformed skulls. This car turned out to be a supply car, allowing us to stock up on weapons, ammunition, lanterns and ten-foot poles.

We proceeded on to the next car. This car was made of pitch black metal and it seemed to glide over the rails as though unaffected by the bumpy track. Its door was a collage of gears and pipes, crowned by a skull with a cog in its open mouth. It was evidently what we were sent to protect.

We had to loot it.

Both the thieves attempted to open these door and failed. Whirring bladed probes dug into their skin from the door and then retracted.

Ulrick and Milly decided to go over the car, witnessing orcs chase down and rip apart human passengers on the car ahead of us. Ulrick went to the door to the black car to try that door and experienced the pain of the probes again, immediately passing out.

Aquavarius burned down the door on our side of the car with a vial of acid, allowing us into the dark cabin. I stretched out my lantern on a ten foot pole revealing the room. Oil seemed to run freely down either wall without spilling onto the floor. I retracted my lantern promptly. Lockboxes sat near either wall and a black mask, shaped like a person's face being torn open by metal claws sat on a pedestal in the center of the room.

A flash and a crack exposed from the darkness as a pellet flew past my head. Rising on the other side of the pedestal, a huge Murder Machine growled at us, reloading his gun hand.

"Intruders!" He growled. Druuj lept into action, eager to do combat with another unburdened by the frailty of the flesh, lifting his mighty ax above his head. The great machines made ready to clash, charging at each other and yelling their battle-cries before Druuj fell flat on his face.

Ulrick, having been revived by Milly, managed to get their door opened and the two joined me and the others in shooting at the metallic guardian. Gaston cast Chill Touch on his hand and failed to touch the metal knight. The warrior bent over our fallen comrade, his fist warping into the shape of a spiked mace and endeavored to bludgeon our murderous friend. Missing, he attempted to shoot off his gun hand, resulting in a jam.

Aquavarius, with a wild smile and a dark glint in his eye, prepared a firebomb and tossed it at the enemy Murder Machine.  Everyone else at the table held their breath as saves were rolled.

Miraculously only one of the walls of oil erupted into flames and no one but the monstrosity took damage. A well placed  shot from Raviid dented the side of the creature's helm and Druuj charged him, screeching his opponent across the floor and out of the far door. When Druuj rose off of this foe, he found the metal monster slain.

Within, I and Raviid busied ourselves with removing lockboxes. Gaston grabbed the mask, still holding aloft his unused Chill Touched hand.

The next car seemed to be made of brass. Steam billowed out from within as Druuj opened the door. Within we could hear the struggling cries of a woman and the dumb, almost childlike chuckles of an Orc. Contrary to my initial thought, the orc was simply repeatedly dunking the woman under the water with his great belly, swollen from eating human flesh.

Ulrick managed to stab the Orc in the back while Gaston employed his frosted hand to grab the surprised Orc by his well-endowed testicles. The orc died with the worst case of the blue balls known to man and the woman thanked us. I took a look inside of her expensive-looking back and found gold and a healing potion. It took it as the price of our aid and the party took a moment to look through their things. Raviid and I discovered gold and gems in our boxes and I discovered a vial of hallucinogenic poison.

Aquavarius slathered "Want!" And so I let him have it.

Milly offered to put on the mask since Gaston was too afraid (or too wise) to try it on, himself. As soon as Milly donned the mask, she heard the terrible whispering voice of the Black Queen hiss "You are mine!"  The mask appeared to possess powerful fear magic and was permanently attached to Milly's face. The Black Queen continued to whisper in her mind as she proceeded.

In the next room, the party looked up to see a gigantic scorpion with a woman's body for a tail. The creature attacked, dropping on top of the Murder Machine and spraying a blinding poison mist onto the rest of us. My vision went black.

I could hear Aquavarius say "I must have sniffed some of this already" and walk off. I followed his voice in my blind stupor, fleeing the terrible acidic cloud.

Milly let loose a flurry of Magic Missiles, annihilating the creature and the party waited a moment for the blindness to fade and continued.

In the next car a gruff looking swedish chef dumped corpses into a meat grinder. Realizing the meatloaf I had eaten the night before was created by this fellow, I pushed him in the meatgrinder.

After that, we arrived at the coal car. We could see rapidly moving arms in the conductor's car ahead.  Most of us, including myself decided to go over the mound of fuel. Milly's flesh teleportation allowed her to appear out of the conductor, finding a horrifying mutant with six-arms and a gigantic-bulbous head, rapidly working the controls of the train, rapidly clearing the track of debris with blades on arms protruding from the train's nose.

As I was crossing over the coal, a giant many-armed flesh amalgamation slammed into the front of the train, shaking the entire vehicle. With that I plunged to my death, shredded beneath the wheels of the train.

My comrades fought on. Milly knew that this creature was the result of Orc's hideous alchemy. The Orcs of Hubris toss the victims left uneaten into great crock-pots, creating horrific chimeras of tormented non-humanity.

The creature fought with its manny horrible-bloodshot eyes and torturously deformed limbs with ingrown nails. Gaston was knocked unconscious by its abominable touch and Druuj felt his great strength reduced to nothing by an eye-ray.

Aquavarius put together a bomb-spear and shouted "Witness me!" as he hurled it into the beast. Milly let loose a massive Color Spray. The creature's gore slid off the front of the train, wiped away by biting winds.

Rest in Peace beautiful Beaver Man.

That was my look at the game. It lives up to its title. Few adventures have embodied the gonzo, maelstrom of chaos that is DCC so well as this one. Something was happening all the time. The danger was constant and the laughs were overflowing. It was a literal blast.

I have actually done orcs on a train before (See one of my player's posts for that: https://samiamsramblings.blogspot.com/2018/02/wastes-of-west-great-train-robbery.html)

But this module made my attempt at a train adventure seem unimaginative and uninspired. This adventure will elevate the train-crawl to a staple of gonzo gaming.


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